Udja
Firstly I would like to thank you for taking the time to write such a comprehensive essay. This was a very extensive discourse denoting a spiritual path that is not common but yet not unusual. There are many aspirants with the same challenges and similar capacities so you are not alone. You should visit the writings of other aspirants from this same lesson and assignment in the previous (closed) discussion forum. I think this may offer you some fellowship insights (khnumt nefer) or good association whereby you may see the struggles through others eyes and the wisdom that was given to them at the time. You should keep a personal record of this essay for future review as you progress through this course program as you will compare to future standards attained. If you are further interested in firming up your current standing on your own personal spiritual journey you may consider reading the books: Mystical Journey from Jesus to Christ and African Origins. These will further answer some questions you may have from a Christian and person of or interested in African culture, history and philosophy in order to more fully make the transition without leaving loose ends of quandaries and obstacle producing diffidence about issues of the past journey.
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It is interesting that you mentioned Socrates, as the Socratic method of inquiry is regarded highly in western philosophy studies and in some educational systems. The problem with western philosophy studies is that it is rooted, like the western physical, social, etc. sciences in a common denominator that affirms and takes as granted that whatever the result of inquiries they have to be mentally discover-able. This problem is that mind itself is limited and therefore the totality of wisdom cannot be held in any individual mind and only in cosmic mind which means leaving behind the individual mind and its ego, which is after all the cause of the existence of mind to begin with. Yet even the cosmic mind is only a reflection of Neberdjer (the absolute). So, the end result of western philosophy is not to go to the ground of knowledge, but rather to fly around in circular thoughts that play off each other and reflect each other like a house of mirrors all reflecting back to the ego that is doing the inquiring. This has the effect, among other things, of engendering narcisism and fostering hubris that lead to perdition and self-destruction. Thus such philosophical exercises relate to and support a mechanistic view of reality that is founded in mind and its mentations. Thus, those people who are intellectually inclined have a rich source of thought forms to engage in (distractions) that feed the ego and occupy the time, yet they are like hamsters on a wheel going fast and doing a lot of work but yet going nowhere.
This kind of training has no doubt affected your manner of cognition and you need to now aquatint yourself and become practiced in a mystic form of philosophy called SEBAIT. This is a path of mysticism grounded in the experience of higher conscio9usness as proof and result/end of philosophical inquiries.
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The aforesaid, along with life lived in agitated culture, with family and friends founded in worldly ideals and anti-introspective pursuits along with past aryu of actions in service of pursuit of happiness and pursuit of separation from what is hated, all serve to render the mind impure, agitated and unstable. The practice of becoming MEN or firm/stable and then becoming DJED –or established in the Pillar of Asar (Identity in Divine Self), is the journey of purifying mind, learning what is to be thought and working to shape a mind that is firmly founded in ethical conscience (Maat).
Self-doubt come from, among other things, a shaky mental and emotional ego structure which is a result of present or past lives of ignorance and delusion. With true wisdom and insight the minds should get stronger as a person ages even when elderly. Confidence comes with understanding and experience of wisdom as opposed to just having theoretical knowledge. Quietude of mind is produced by purifying and strengthening the personality in terms of intellect, feelings, ethics and will and the last through meditation practice but all integrated in a harmonious fashion but also founded in an authentic teaching that leads to wisdom and not just circular thoughts or boomerang shots in the dark that come back to knock one in the head for one’s troubles!
There is no harm in telling coworkers or friends that you will take the info and retire to reflect on it so as to come up with inspired insights. In the moment don’t worry about being Johny on the spot, explore your own way your own personal style and in the moment be attentive so as to have all needed information.
“Do not be proud and arrogant with your knowledge. Consult with the ignorant and wise. Truth may be found among maids at the grindstones.” -AEP
Self-righteousness among other things, comes from lack of humility; for in truly knowing something there is humility and inner peace which is gladly shared with the ignorant; but remembering one’s own time of ignorance and realizing there is always something more to know and with gratitude for those that shared with one in the past. Then one can have compassion and understanding for others.
You mentioned: “During meditation, there is a race of thoughts in my mind “
You should consult the monthly shedy meetings archives for practice and discussion of meditation issues. There are some further techniques discussed there for controlling the wayward mind and the understanding that there is informal and formal practice. The formal is the sitting down type and the informal is everything else you do. So everything needs to work in harmony and coordination for it does not serve to lead an agitated (NESHESH) life and then try to sit down to meditate and then expect a calm mind!
You mentioned: “untie the rope of the boat before I use it to cross the river in”
This Eastern parable relates to letting go of the egoistic desires binding to the world and preventing movement from the ego world to the netherworld. There is a Kamitan wisdom of a rope that hangs from the boat of Ra and when it courses through the sky it can be reached by avid and worthy aspirants. The rope caries one off on the spiritual journey and eventually to become of sailor on the journey of enlightenment. So untie from the world and grab the rope that pulls one up- the teaching of Ra.
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HTP.
