Your reflections are going to the heart of your matters and it is good to see you have had the courage to face the issues in your environment and seek answers to the questions of life as opposed to turning away to a path of the ostrich.
Firstly, about your statement: “Until purification you can listen to the teaching 1000 times and not understand it. “
This statement is 1000 times true in my experience.
About your statement: ” Its like it tells you some how, probably could be said more scientifically but it tells you subconsciously that this is a good act and because you are doing it selflessly it helps your mind engender this non self like kind of complex where you stop looking at yourself for once and start looking at everything and the bigger picture.”
Indeed, selfless service opens the mind to consider that the world is about grandeur as opposed to me and what is happening to me; it is about a grand scheme not of necessarily a plan, though there is a plan of maatian order, but a plan of existence with a matrix of ethical conscience that has to do with the higher self and not with worldly folk; which takes us to your other statements: “I do give myself an awfully hard time though, I have always given myself a hard time for not being the best, not being perfect, not being able to do something and I always get upset and annoyed and disappointed with myself and wonder why I am bothering in the first place. It is particularly hard nowadays because I am in a position where I have someone who constantly puts all my effort and my work down when I don’t get things perfect, whether I put my all into it or not I always get put down for not being able to do what they do or understand what they understand and that’s put me in a position where I’m even harder on myself because I’m now disappointing someone else.”
“It is honour to thy nature when worthily employed, when thou directeth it to wrong purposes, it shameth and destroy thee.”
Just as the AEP (Ancient Egyptian Proverb) says There is no happiness in the external worlds, so too there is no perfection either. Many times women suffer from a perfectionist syndrome (Men too but women more) for varied reasons and upbringing pressure of society, struggle to prove oneself, and 1001 things; However, these are based in the idea of the world and worldly folk as being abiding realities and our misconceived mind assigns them that value over us so we are the authors of our sufferings; Therefore work to relinquish the perfectionism, the importance of what others say and look for approval from Maat, and let her take care of the world from there. Do your part and be satisfied to that extent and no more and live your part of the world and let it live its own for its sake. So let your courage see the true you beyond the illusory search for perfection in the illusory time and space relative reality, so as to be able to see the true higher self in which you are already perfect in being. Thereby find Khak ab (dispassion/detachment) and hetep ab (inner peace) and nehast (enlightenment). Its a work in progress and that progress is through shedy daily and in antet begag (continuous) manner. This transforms the ab (heart/feelings) and ka (desires/mind) thus transforming the personality into the higher self you want to be; In this transformation the world changes too and that is handled by Maat. Do tend to your task and let Maat handle hers. Being a perfectionist means doing god’s part as well as one’s own. Who told us to do more than our part? Whoever told it, whoever agreed with it, no matter; now is the time to move on the right path.