Udja Sebai MAA & Seba Dja,
I sat and read through all of Anthonys posts and both Yours and Sebai MAA’s or Yours and SEba Dja’s. I thought this to be so interesting as well as profound and as well as helpful.
I am now coming to the realization that all the things I think I’m struggling with all alone, that actually a great deal of people living in this world are going through the same things or sometimes even worse.
Lately I have been feeling very down, & it seems I have lost all will to do anything. Literally anything. Even eating sometimes seems like a chore to me and I just do not want to undergo anything. I’ve gotten to a point of feeling so ‘depressed’ that even what I know to be true and abiding such as the divine makes me feel like saying “Oh whatever”. I get these intervals of great energy toward my spiritual journey but majority of times I have no confidence in myself to be able to achieve anything. Coming from a family and then a series of relationship where people constantly nit pick at everything you do and everything you are. They do this to make you feel bad about yourself or to have control over you by making you doubt your own worth. These insecurities have lead me to not believe in myself, my intuition (the voice in my head that always seems to be right about everything), my ability or my worth. I feel as if all that was said about me in my past and present and all the ways I have been treated in my past and present has had a very detrimental affect as I feel all things are my fault but I have no longer got the energy or will to stay any longer in any situation and try to make anything right. I feel like I limit myself but I cannot for the life of me seem to be able to forgive myself affectively or to expand and stretch myself and start to stand outside of my situations rather than stand in it because I am too sensitive.
Also I have a few questions,
1. While reading through all 3 of your posts I saw a short mention on acute stress responses and chronic stress responses, I thought maybe if I understood more about this it would help me further and the healthy ego that was mentioned also, what was meant when it was said that a healthy ego is needed, I didn’t really understand that section.
2. Lately, while doing my daily prayers and chants I have been having bad dreams. My partner thinks it may be the fact that I pray in front of idols and chant their names. He is a bit over paranoid and suspicious at times so I don’t think this could be the cause but I thought it was worth asking. But like Obeah and voodoo, he beliefs that it may be the fact that I am summoning entities and they are beginning to come into my dreams in the form of nightmares.
3. Lastly, I am more than certain that my aryu has something to do with females and hate toward genders and so on and so fourth. As a young child I had a massive problem with being a female because I would look around and see that females were treated incredibly badly and then when they grow up they have menstrual cycles and so on. We are all told that we are the cause of civilization being in this state of decay, then we are put on music videos as if we are a sexual parade and I hated being part of a race of people who not only assisted in encouraging the world to disrespect them and see them as foolish people because of the constant silly things we were all programmed to do and think but also because I hate feeling hated. I’ve always felt as if I am an outcast and this maybe perpetuates that feeling. I thought there must be more to being a female, there must be divinities that represent us. We can’t just be here to serve man like a slave, like when they speak about humans being slave for the gods/aliens. More recently I was told that polygamy is something that should be incorporated into life regardless of whether there are enough of a certain gender to go around, then I was told that in the beginning women ruled but we treated men badly and in turn we have been taken over and over thrown by them up until present day and we must accept this and repent and submit to our men because they are here to help us out of our pit. This threw me off because just like the bible it seemed as a justification for bad behavior toward your counterpart. I feel as if I am confused as well as extremely bitter toward the majority of my opposite sex, mostly because of the injustices constantly committed by them to the world, the control and the ego and pride but double standard of men and so on, I could go on for days. But in turn I struggle to be able to accept the fact that women also have a part to play in the decline as you see nowadays, there are a lot of things done by women that can be a hindrance to elevation of themselves, their families, and their children. I have a lot of hate in me and it seems to be proving very hard to get rid of. I seemed to be too bothered with everything bad thing going on in the world, especially to those things that could affect me especially or directly. Such as rape, injustice because of my gender, being overcalled/overpowered or put down because of my gender… so on.. so when I see it going on I get very fiery inside my chest and feel the blood inside of me. I hate seeing females or black people but females 1st then black people in that order, get discriminated or treated badly or injustices to be done to them. I don’t know why I get so angry. but its gotten to the point where I just can’t deal with my mind because I am going to drive myself crazy. I have been in too many similar situations and it seems to have made me bitter and I find it hard to forgive Men where as I used to be able to forgive easily. So what I do is push it to back of my mind until I can deal with all of my wild emotions about various different situaitons.
HTP for your time as I understand this is a long and detailed post. I thank you DUA for all the things you do for people/souls on this earth as well as the time you have taken out of your lives to do all of these incredible things. Just a quick note. Sebai MAA, you are far from included in the category of ‘Men’ I just spoke about in my last questions.
Ankh Udja Seneb to you both!
HTP HTP HTP
