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Udja Sebai Maa and Seba Dja,
A follow up to the group chat and a few questions. I had mentioned my troubles with Grad School. After reflection I have realized I do want to continue in my course of studies and the troubles I have had all my life and now are the result of un-Maatian action. Negative actions bring pain and suffering. I have also reflected and reinforced that hoping or wishing for things to be better is not going to change anything but only the opposite action in accordance with Maat can purify my previous actions and lead to positive experiences, MaaKheru and Nehast in practice and permanently.
With that being said I have made the choice to do three things: put the teachings first in my day regardless of my flight-fight feeling, relinguish attachment to the results of my actions, and also do this school work as best I can in the present moment being satisfied that I did my best without praising or chastising myself whatever the result. It is still possible I can turn it around if my concentration and effort is applied. So that is where I am at with it currently. A few questions…
1. I would like to understand the role of the Neter-god in the world and in the things I see on the news, society, others and in my life. Negative actions in my past and habits that may compel negative actions in the present, are these the order of the divines plan to make me see the extent of the Fetter and Afflictions to push me to want to overcome, act with Maat and become enlightened? How should I understand my feelings of anger and disappointment with myself when I have had the perfect setting in fact my whole life to pursue enlightenment but have continued in Sloth and Desire? Is this part of the plan to wake me up?…That is what it is doing. Is this the divine plan when negative experiences are happening?
2. I see that my movement in life has been very flight-fight. I believe this is the stress response and it has been a daily experience accept during times of deep meditation or I guess when I have moments of feeling everything is going well. For example stress with school can cause me to skip sessions of Ra-Neb because of the “fight” to think I have something more important to do and I MUST do it NOW ( even when I still find time to waste) other times its “flight” and I hide from my problems in various ways. This does not only reflect in worldy duties but also other personal interests of mine whether its writing or anything, I will feel a burning passion in me that will keep me up at night thinking of what I want to do, I may skip Ra-Neb sessions because of the passion confused as creativity. This passion for things like visions and “great ideas” also disturbs my meditation and proper rest-sleep times, in meditation I do consciously let go of the thoughts. I just bought Seba Dja’s book on living a stress-free life but I have not read it yet. I would like to put the teachings first and overcome both wordly interests and the stimulated feeling of passion or atleast make them secondary. Can a word be said to point me in the right direction on this?
3. I would also like to ask about fear. There is a fear in me that is chaotic and similar to the experiences above. I grew up around homelessness with one parent and stressful middle class living with the other (my guardian as a child.) There is a fear in me that I can lose everything at any time as I saw happened to one parent, of course there was mental illness and addiction involved neither of which I have to that degree. This fear makes me freeze in the present (sloth at times) and ignore both my duties to the Shedy and to worldy duties, other times it gives me a hectic pursuit to fulfill duties, but what really bothers me is this idea that in the future I can find myself in a situation where I dont have my books, a good setting for daily intensive practice, internet access and poverty causing me to spend days on survival needs instead of focus on teaching. I have overcome some or a lot of this fear by my dedication to minimalism and a level of renunciation knowing that even if I was in that situation I would do my Shedy in a nature setting, eat little and could use public libraries for access to the teachings. As you can see the fear has pretty much made me think of all the options and accept the worst and still understand how I could practice to a high degree. But this inherent fear of loss, I am not sure, but I believe it causes me to not be fully committed to achievement in my wordly duties or in Shedy. There is a level of attachment inherent in the idea and even the planning for the worst, although there is also a level of rationalism in expecting the worst. Should I understand that this whole idea and the fear that comes with it is just thoughts causing disturbances? Is it attachment? Can the thoughts and attachment actually lead me to that fate, as it sometimes seems it is?
I feel I am approaching a state, through this course and practice of the teachings and my dedication to purification, that I can really drop a lot of old baggage and attachments to the past and future. including old forms of entertainment, thought patterns, social activities and perceived responsibilities to wordly personalities are really starting to be understood and let go of. I would like to dedicate my whole life to purification and the teachings, no matter the circumstances I find myself in whether my life leads me to solitude, a relationship format, poverty or wealth, etc. Toss all those ideas out and put the teachings first and foremost in all my waking hours. I have really been contemplating what Sebai Maa said “There is No Time To Waste.” Excuse me for the long-vacillation. Often it does not take many words to point me in the right direction so anything that can be offered I am have much gratitude for.
Dua..Dua..Dua…Ankh Udja Seneb to Sebai Maa and Seba Dja.