I wanted to go over some of my reflections for deeper understanding. I asked myself two questions.
1. Does individuality exist? 2. What is Self separate from mind and awareness, and does this make desires and mental- physical objects advantageous to let go of? These questions arose out of my questioning my potential to truly live and act selflessly, while also acting within time and space and not repressing ( for a later burst of anger or sorrow.) I also know that certain things have to be known by experience in order for the sublimation and teaching to be lived correctly, otherwise the attainments are still based on illusion and dogma.
I began by looking at my mind when completely free from thought and without focus on the sensory experiences. Here there is awareness of the void mind. Then for a period of time I watched what happened as I thought a word, “I”, ( could be any word.) I saw that the word and mental sound arises in the void-mind and awareness knows its arising and dissolving. Awareness is a predecessor of the experiences of mind ( clear, vast, non-existence, or full of thoughts visions etc), but in itself it is also a part of mind experiences. Thus awareness and thoughtless mind are in itself a type of thought. So then I moved to just contemplating awareness, and I saw that awareness arises in an even greater void or nothingness, but this nothingness is not clarity of mind but is actually a hidden Self beyond awareness and beyond mind. It allows mind to arise and be sustained. So then I thought that if we were conscious during deep sleep, it would be much like that, an awareness that is beyond mind or body experiences. That seems more like my true self then anything else I can experience in my mind or body, and the peace and natural order and wisdom that arises when I am IN that state is spontenous and completely different then “who I am” when operating through my ordinary fettered unmeditative state. Its like being different people. After looking at these I moved onto my questions.
Questioning individuality. I saw that if sensory experiences are excluded, a thought, “I”, can arise in the mind without the arises of a “me & them” individuality yet, but it leads in that direction ( much like the negative experience vs positive experience Sebai Maa talked about in Video for lesson 3.) This experience of mind-thought without sensory experience is also like a complete individuality in which there is no others. Then I questioned further, and saw that although one person may have different thoughts in their mind, the matrix of mind and the senses is a principle of the universe not unique to any one person. So even though one person can think “I” and another person think “me”, and neither of the two are experiencing each others thoughts, still the mechanisms are universal principles which go beyond individuality and both peoples mind and body is arising from a universal Self. The minds and bodies are really very much the same and operating on universal principles, making the Mind-Body that people only conceive of to be “my” individuality. Then I questioned further and saw that two people can sit across from each other and each can have their own mental or physical experiences, but the two people looking at each other is really Awareness looking at Awareness, and awareness is arising within the Self, and the basis upon which thought and experiences arises are really illusions. So in reality there is no individual beings experiencing, instead the universal Self in the form of a Soul is deluding itself into thinking its experience individuality. the mind-and-body may have unique illusions but the Self is the only thing actually happening. So what I saw is that there is no individuality, there is no different people or objects separate from the one universal being. So my individuality is Self in the same way another’s individuality is Self. Thus, there is nothing that can be sought, obtained, or lost in the highest sense of reality. The important matter here is that the Self in a being can be ignored/ignorance and then the being can get wrapped up in complexes of the mind and body which are in fact illusionary experiences but can be the size of a universe or more. This type of experience brings into view the importance of soul and its karma which either allows it to be one with the universal Self or lost in realms of delusion. This is probably the point at which education becomes difficult because there is the non-dual reality and the relative world, and the entanglements of the mind into the fetters of the relative obscure the simple non-dual truth that’s can be so apparent and rational intellectually. I am thinking here of Westerners who try and practice the teachings of Advaita Vedanta. I find that religion in the form of myth and ritual, although it can be a strange thing to accept, really allows the average person to “cross that bridge” from the relative to the non-dual in a structured way that verbal discourse without instruction or practices can not for most people.
I then asked “Is the Self separate from mind and awareness, and does this make desires and mental-physical objects illusions that are advantageous to let go of?” So I began with the same experiment of looking at the mind without thought and then looking at the mind while creating an intentional thought “I”. I reasoned that awareness is the critical factor allowing me to view the clear mind and the thought, but I also know my clarity of awareness comes and goes. Then as I examined awareness I saw that the clear state of mind and the CLARITY that exists Perennially before the rising, changes, and dissolving of awareness are completely different. There is a clarity of Self which exists even when awareness drops off or changes, and that clarity of Self is unchanging whereas Awareness still exists within the framework of change, karma, ignorance and knowledge. There is a clear experience there but also mixed with a coming and going of the truth, so I wonder if abiding as the Self is an act of faith combined with knowledge and experience, which eventually could become a Steadfast and Perennial experience that remains even as the mind and body are still experienced. So it showed me that my true nature is not individual(s) but one universal being, and that this does make all desires reasonable to let go of as they are illusions. Birth, death, worldly pleasures and pains; these are not necessaries.
Excuse any clumsiness in recounting, especially because of discussing things beyond “I” while still using the word I to discuss “my” experience. Actually, while thinking about expressing my thoughts when in a meditative state, through thr tendency to use words like “I”,”my”, and other contradictions, can be a good reflection for constantly bringing my consciousness to the Self and away from the illusion. My understanding is that “I”, Self, Nebertjer, Ntr, Ra, Amun, Ptah, etc are all the same as are words like Enlightenment, Nehast, Know Thyself, etc. I do spend a considerable amount of time trying to discern the differences between Amun, Ra, and Ptah and that can be a bit difficult. For example is a mental object and a physical object both aspects/creations of Ptah as in the thought ” I” or the object of a chair, is Ra the light of Awareness and the mind-space as a whole, and Amun is the hidden Self which awareness and mind arise from or is this Nebertjer or Nun, etc. Many of these confusions come together when I let go of trying to intellectual analyze it or work too hard to see unique differences, and understand that all things including dieties and names are manifestations of the Hidden Shetai. Then intuitional insights arise spontaneously which are way beyond anything I can cognitively choose to think about or can express.
