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“Perils, and misfortunes, and want, and pain, and injury,
are more or less the certain lot of everyone that cometh into the world. It behooveth thee, therefore, O child of calamity! early to fortify thy mind with courage and patience that thou mayest support, with a becoming resolution, thy allotted portion of human evil.”
It is good to see that you have been able to process several issues about your experiences in this lifetime. The reflective process helps one to confront important issues that one is either ignorant about or in denial about. You have rightly reflected on feeling non-existent sometimes; In a certain context you don’t! and neither do I nor anyone else nor anything else but the metaphysics of that will be left to another day and level of study. However, for now observe the contradictions in your statements about sometimes not existing but yet needing to belong.
This is not uncommon for those who can look at their lives more honestly instead of with denial or distraction. As to your statement about belief in God, here again, for one who is not caught up in delusion there can be no question that faith is a crutch most people use to make it through the drudgery and fears of life but not as a real and provable existence. This is what makes mystical religion and philosophy different; if anything the aspirant is asked to have faith in the science of the teaching and that following it will lead to not just more faith but the discovery of that self-existent being and most coveted goal of life. So indeed, one cannot truly love oneself or others or truly care without distortion when there is lack of self-knowledge. As the practice and understanding of the teaching improves, so too does the experience of the divine and faith is at that point not required.
As it so happens on our way back from the trip to Kemet we will be passing through London an conducting a few talks so perhaps we will see you there? I have met with Pablo and support his work.
As for your accomplishments in life, now is the time to turn your energies to concentrate on the teaching and its practice and allow the transformations that you seek, to begin; see yourself not as a “rebellious child” but as a misfit and in a good way, those who are advancing aspirants do not fit with the paradigm of the worldly human created world and that is a good thing, it means you are not down with insanity!
Therefore continue your efforts and look to the reward that the teaching promises and rely on the inner vision which emerges that is based on Maatian insight.